I smoked a homeless guy because I'm sexy and I do what I want.

Answer the questions and make a sentence.
Put your sentence in the comments!


Pick the month you were born:
January------I kicked
February-----I loved
March--------I smoked
April--------I dry humped
May----------I choked on
June---------I murdered
July---------I did the Macarena With
August-------I had lunch with
September----I danced with
October------I sang to
November-----I yelled at
December-----I ran over



Pick the day (number) you were born on:
1--------a birdbath
2--------a monster
3--------a phone
4--------a fork
5--------a Mexican
6--------a gangster
7--------my cell phone
8--------my dog
9--------my best friend's husband
10-------my neighbor
11-------my science teacher
12-------a banana
13-------a fireman
14-------a stuffed animal
15-------a goat
16-------a pickle
17-------your mom
18-------a spoon
19-------myself
20-------a baseball bat
21-------a ninja
22-------Chuck Norris
23-------a noodle
24-------a squirrel
25-------a football player
26-------my sister
27-------my brother
28-------an ipod
29-------a permanent marker
30-------a llama
31-------a homeless guy



Pick the color of shirt you are wearing:
White---------because I'm cool like that.
Black---------because that's how I roll.
Pink----------because I'm not a homosexual.
Red-----------because the voices told me to.
Blue----------because I'm sexy and I do what I want.
Green---------because I hate myself.
Purple--------because I'm cool.
Gray----------because I was drunk.
Yellow--------because someone offered me 1,000,000 dollars.
Orange -------because I hate my family.
Brown---------because I was high.
Other---------because I'm a ninja.
None----------because I can't control myself.

Dissed

Alternate title: My First & Last Rave

As I stated in an earlier post, my brother & p-s-i-l were in town for the weekend. Yup, they flew all the way across the country to play in my city. The week before they arrived we exchanged emails about their plans. They would have a little bit of free time and wanted to have dinner with us the night they got here and then we would all go to the show together. We would even be able to have lunch together the next day. I heard nothing from them again until they actually arrived at the airport on Friday afternoon. They were waiting for their ride to a friend's house. They declined my invitation to pick them up from the airport and stay at my house. Fine. They would go to said friend's house and wait for him to get home from work. Might I mention that said friend works within walking distance of where I live.
Anyway, brother decides he will call me back when friend gets home. However he tells me that the friend has to go into work the next day for a few hours and since he'll be coming right to our town that he'll just drop them off and we can spent the day together. They want to see our place and our town. Great. I hang up with him and start cleaning my house. I've lived in 2 states in the past year and no one has visited in either place. I'm excited!
Since we're supposed to be going downtown for dinner, I don't bother making anything. I just clean and wait for his call. He doesn't call me back until 9:45pm. We're not having dinner. Husband and I are to meet them at the club at 11:30pm so we can get in for free.
We meet them at said time. We venture down the concrete stairs into the club (C. & Cory, think Milkbar- it was a classy version though). The music was so loud. I don't remember ever being in a place where it was so loud that you couldn't even talk to the person right next to you. In fact, I'm getting fitted for my hearing aid today. Husband and I never planned on staying until the end. Luckily the time went by fast and suddenly it was 2:00am. The music was over. They turned on the lights. We waited around to discuss the plan for later in the day. P-S-I-L decided she wanted to eat clams and decided on a restaurant we would go to for lunch. We all left the club.
I couldn't sleep that well due to the ringing in my ears. It was mentioned that they would be dropped off at our place around noon so I got up to do more obsessive compulsive cleaning. I even got directions to the restaurant and checked out the menu online. Noon rolled by and I'd heard nothing. At 2:00pm when I'd still heard nothing I called brother and asked if they were alive. He told me no, but he'd call me back when they were. Husband and I went out to lunch by ourselves. At 6:45pm I get a call. They're going to grab some quick Chinese because they have to go to another show. I told him it didn't really make sense for us to go with them, after all, they had the next day totally free. I asked if they would be able to meet us the next night for a later dinner, like 7 or 7:30pm. He said that would work.
Last night we sat down to watch the Oscars. Again, we didn't bother to eat dinner. By 8:30pm we're hungry. Have heard nothing. Decide to go eat by ourselves again. At 9:20pm he finally calls to say they had a lazy day and would just see us next time we're in FL...whenever that is. I hang up disgusted and feeling bad, near tears even. Those two are known for being as flaky as a coconut cake, but I just don't believe they totally blew us off the way they did. I won't soon forget this. In fact, knowing me, I'll never forgive or forget this. You are so "busy" that you don't even have an hour to meet your sister? I'm not even sure who to blame here. I want to blame p-s-i-l. But ultimately I believe he wears the pants in their relationship. He's the decider. If she didn't want to join us, he could have come alone. But no. No.

Dear Wendy's

Just wanted to write and let you know I dig your new commercial. You know the one with the dipped chicken sandwich? I see this commercial and my mouth starts watering for a chicken sandwich dipped in buffalo sauce. I have no idea why this appeals to me. None. Perhaps it is the catchy 80's song you've chosen to play along to the dipping. Yup, one of my favorites. But mark my words, if there was a Wendy's nearby, I'd probably hop right in the car and go get one. Thankfully, I have no clue where in this area there is one of your "restaurants". I also don't have a clue when the last time I even ate anything there was. I'm sure it's been around 10 years. No reason to break my streak now. Just letting you know, just saying.

We've Officially Lost It

Husband and I have spent more than 6 hours today glued to the television. CourtTV to be specific. We've been watching the Anna Nicole courtroom circus like a train wreck. I couldn't even make breakfast until the court recessed for lunch. There was laughter, tears, drama, someone collapsed, etc. It was all very entertaining. Better than any television show. All I really want to know is who's the daddy? I think I'm going to be very surprised if it turns out to be Stern. At one point someone rattled off names of several men she slept with. It was a long list. Husband and I were wondering if there was anyone she hadn't slept with. But I do think she was no idiot. Any girl who pulls off marrying a billionaire with one foot in the grave isn't dumb. That same girl went before the Supreme Court and won. Again, not dumb. Then knowing the real father of her child was in the US, she goes to a nearby country with laws about such things and sets up camp. So not an idiot. This seems to be a never ending story.

Say Bleach

Did anyone but me happen to watch "Wife Swap" last night? I'd heard of "eating in the raw" before, like on that episode of "Sex and the City" back in the day, however I did not think it included meat. Matter of fact, I'm certain raw MEAT was never mentioned. I truly believe the family in last night's episode was mentally ill. Especially the son. He kept breaking down in tears and obviously couldn't control his anger over the whole thing. Does the truth hurt or what? Just watching the daughter slice up bits of raw chicken was enough to make me cringe. I can hardly stand to even cut up raw chicken before cooking it myself. Wash your hands ever? Why bother? How about the dad eating what I would consider to be rotten (4 month old) meat? Oh and don't even get me started about all the raw eggs. I totally agreed with the "new mom" on the cleanliness issues. I don't know how much people get paid for being on that show, but no amount of money could have made me stay. None. I would have taken one look at all that mess and filth and headed back out the door. As in, please let the door hit me in the ass on the way out. It never would have even gotten to the brush your teeth with butter stage. Peace Out.

Happy Birfday!

Hey C.!!!!
Happy Birthday! Thanks to a postal conspiracy and some dead presidents, your gift probably won't be delivered until tomorrow. Why I bother to send things "priority" is beyond me, but it is definitely on the way.
I hope you have a great day and don't worry, I'm right behind you.

You Will Find Me In Da Club

Next weekend my brother and his pseudo (or psycho) wife will be in town. She is playing at 2 clubs downtown. I've never seen her perform before. Nor have been in a club in years. However, I feel obligated to go. So we will. What sucks is that I will be in a club and not even be able to drink because of the pending endoscopy. No alcohol for 5 days before the procedure. I told Husband I'd be the driver then. I wonder if my P-S-I-L will pass out the same autographed photos of herself that she handed out when she hijacked my Hullabaloo?

Happy V Day

Last night I was watching another fine episode of the "Catching Predators" series. They are all starting to blend together in my mind but I continue to watch in amazement as these sick fucks get caught. My favorite was the creepiest of all teachers. He just looked like a predator.

Then I was watching something else, perhaps the news and I saw how kids with camera phones or hidden video cameras? are taping their teachers in the classroom. To be a teacher these days. You can't get away with anything. That got me thinking about what a camera could have caught when I was in high school.
There was the Spanish teacher who made it a point to tell her students, "I'm still a V! I'm 33 years old and still a V!" I sometimes wonder what happened to "profe" and if she's still a "V."

What about the math teacher who stood at the chalkboard with chalk all over her face and yelled at the class, "What is it that you don't understand??? This is simple mathematics! Third Grade!" Clearly, Mrs. "Moldgrow" we didn't understand. Wasn't it your job to make sure we did? I don't believe yelling at students was appropriate. I also don't remember learning calculus in 3rd grade.

Or, the gym teacher who "allowed" her class to be run by a group of 9th graders. Should you really have let us play volleyball on the slippery gym floor, in our socks? Seems like a liability to me.

Oh, to have had a hidden camera back in the day. Priceless

Old Age Is Setting In...Another Example

Yesterday I was wandering around the mall looking for nothing in particular. I remembered Husband saying he wanted something from Hollister. I decided to go in and get it as a surprise. I was in the store for about 15 minutes, which was about 14.5 minutes too long. The music is blasting. I can't even think. The store is dark, like a basement. I went directly to the back to search through the clearance items for any deals. Everything was folded in an annoying kind of way. No organization. I tore through shelf after shelf, unfolding shirt after shirt in search of the right size. I made a mess of it all. At first I felt bad, but then I was so irritated I didn't even care. I was then pulling things out and shoving them back in on purpose. I decided I would give the anorexic teenage employees something to do. I did end up with the surprise, but I had to hold it up to the light to see it clearly. Next time I'll need a valium before walking through the door of that place. Oh and maybe a flashlight and a pair of earplugs.

Lost Without It

Lost is back tonight! I can't wait. The past few months without my Wednesday night show were torture. I'm not like some of the Lost freaks who feel the need to create websites to discuss theories and try to figure the whole thing out. That irritates me. I prefer the watch and wait method.

In other television news, I'm continuing to enjoy all my reality shows. Husband admitted it bothers him that I'm hooked on the nanny & spouse switching shows. I love them! He said he can't believe he married someone who watches them. Had he known my addiction while we were dating, he probably wouldn't have gotten married. The thing is, I excuse myself and go upstairs when these shows come on. He is rarely subjected to this, my viewing pleasure. He says it is just the thought that gets to him. Like my IQ has diminished greatly or something. I said he's overthinking this.
Survivor is also back this week and don't forget the new episodes of To Catch A Predator. The good thing is that we got a DVR so I will never miss anything again.

They'll Call Me D.T.

I wanted to spell it out, but I don't want hell and half of Georgia finding this site by those words.

I found out yesterday that I have to have an Endoscopy in 2 weeks. This is where the doctor is going to put a tube with a camera deep down my throat and look around. I'm thrilled. He said I'd get an I.V. and something to make me sleepy. I won't remember it when I wake up. I hope to God he is right. I also hope he finds something to make the whole thing worth it. This doctor just happens to have gone to medical school with my ER doctor at the hospital in Oregon. Another example of "small world!" He want to make sure he rules everything out before making a decision to laser out my gallbladder. I like that.

Tires Tire Me

Yesterday Husband and I were coming out of a restaurant after lunch and he happened to glance at the front passenger tire of our new car. "What's that small bubble on the side of the tire?" he said. Oh holy shit, is what I said. Unless your have listened to speech after everloving speech from your father about tires like C. and I have, you might not get the full extent of this. I told Husband to get to a tire shop STAT! He tried to tell me it was nothing but his imagination. I prayed it was not my bad luck concerning tires. I mean, the whole reason I'm still driving my Acura is because of the damn tires. I spent so much money on high performance tires made by only one company when I kept running over nails that I felt guilty getting rid of it. Or C., how about that time I was cruising down the street on my way to Wal-Mart when I took the turn lane too fast, hit the curb and blew the tire not 1 mile from my house and drive home on the rim? WTF. I swore then that I would never, ever own another car with special order tires. But it seems I do.
We go to the tire shop. The mechanic takes one look at it and says, yeah, you must have hit a pothole or something. The side wall is damaged. The side wall is damaged!
We cruise on back home. I'm panicking the whole time. "It could go at any moment!" As soon as we walked in the door I got on the horn. I called at least 8 places to find someone who might have a replacement. Everyone said the same thing. SPECIAL ORDER. I then got desperate and called the Audi dealer. Surely we must have a defective tire. The car has just over 1,000 miles on it. Bring it on in said the service manager. I went right there.
Of course he blamed it on "road hazard" which means you're shit out of luck. Now we are riding on pure luck because the car came with a full size spare. I had them switch the tires. Which now means that for 22 months until we get rid of the car we have to pray nothing happens or we will be buying a SPECIAL ORDER tire.
Now I have to remind myself next time we get a car, I care about nothing but what type of tires come on it. Forget the features. I only care about the tires.

The End Of The World As We Know It...And I Feel Fine

Breaking News (as reported to me by my grandmother):

Her: According to your father, the world will end within 24 months.

Me: Really? He told you that?

Her: Yes! Didn't he send you one of those cd sets? Your aunt got one and so did I.

Me: No. I don't know what you're talking about.

Her: Well, it's a set of 4 cds and there is a book so you can follow along. He ordered them from someone at his church. Apparently the pastor bought a set for every family in the church. Then your father went and bought 10 more. I hurried up and listened to my set because I was so scared he would ask me questions and I wouldn't know the answer. He bought 10 sets but I can only account for 2 of them. I thought for sure you would get one. I was supposed to give mine to your cousin when I finished. He's worried because she's probably going to marry a Muslim.

Me: Shit. I guess he gave up on me when I went and married a Hindu. By the way, is the world ending in the US only? Because I'm pretty sure the 2 billion Hindus in the world have no idea.

I've Fallen And I Can't Get Up

I'm so retarded. It's been 7 months since I fell on the ground at Mt Saint Helens. I re-enacted that fall last night but I mixed it up a little. Husband was returning home from the gym and called to ask me if I wanted him to come pick me up so we could go to Target. I said yes and that I'd be waiting. I headed out the front door and down the steps. It was dark. For whatever reason I did not turn on the porch light. I mean, I've been up and down those steps hundreds of times, why would I actually need to see them? Somehow I missed the last step. I went ass over tea kettle onto the ground and twisted my left foot in the process. I laid on the ground for a few moments wondering if I was alright. Was my foot sprained or broken? Then I heard Husband honk the horn at the end of the driveway. I managed to get up and hobble down there and get in the car. He didn't seem to notice anything was wrong since he had a blackberry attached to his head. I decided nothing was broken and hobbled around Target while he sat in the car still on the phone. Finally when I get back, he's off the phone. He asked me why it took so long for me to get in the car at home. Did I not hear him honk the horn? Oh I heard, but I was laying on the ground, I said. Then I got another lecture about being careful and watching where I was going.
I now seem to have bought myself a get out of jail free card for the gym since my ankle is slightly swollen. Yippee!!

But Can I Get A Flobee?

Husband now refuses to get a real haircut. He told me he doesn't understand why he has to pay someone $10 when I can just cut his hair for free. He has the clipper kit or whatever you call it. I'm no cosmetologist. But I am a perfectionist. This leaves me with an impossible situation. He insists that there is no reason in the world I should be scared to take a buzzing razor to his head. I'm terrified. I'm terrified of not only cutting him, but royally fucking up his hair. I think a professional should be doing it. He disagrees. He hasn't had a professional haircut since November. No amount of reasoning with him has worked. Believe me, it is frustrating.