The Bachelor Crime

I am possibly the only one who actually watches "The Bachelor." I don't know what draws me to that show each and every time it is on. I'm sucked in. The season finale always makes me cry. This was the case last night. I was so sure he was going to choose Sadie. I would have bet money on it if I knew anyone else who watched it. She seemed like such a sweet girl. They looked so cute together. I liked her family. I had no opinion about Jen. That guy really dropped a bomb on me when he picked Jen. It was devastating. I can't wait to hear what really happens when they return to the real world. I hope they break up.

Let It Snow

Yesterday I learned it really does snow in the other Washington. Sure, it snows in the mountains. Ever since we moved here I've been polling the locals as to whether it ever snows at the lower altitudes. The popular answer was "rarely." Now it seems the snow follows me when I move from state to state. Hell, it snowed twice when I lived in ATL. We're on day two of the snow here. Today is worse than yesterday. What makes it worse is that I don't believe this area is capable of managing snow conditions. My DC area had mad skillz when it came to treating the roads and I don't care what anyone says. I just saw on the news that the rush hour is still going on and it is 9 pm. All roads are jammed. Hotels are full. People are abandoning their cars on the highways. Get real. I consider this a dusting. The whole area falls to pieces when there is a snowflake or two? I don't get it.

Mad Cow

I'm adding another restaurant to my list of places I'm boycotting. It's Panera. I've never really liked the food too much. It is very average. If I'm hungry for a soup & salad, I'll probably end up at Panera. I enjoyed the broccoli cheese soup in a bread bowl. Until now.

At this point I would like to thank Kim who took my order last Wednesday. She was kind enough to inform me that the broccoli cheese soup contains beef broth. Yes beef. Who in their right mind would ever imagine that soup which should contain nothing but broccoli and cheese, would in fact contain beef. Yes, I've been exposed. They get away with this by posting a small sign that says "vegetarian" next to the soups that are in fact "vegetarian". If there is no sign, watch out. I feel really bad for people like me & Oprah, who don't go near beef with a 10 ft pole. Or the people like my husband who due to religious beliefs have never eaten beef or anything containing beef....ever.

So, since I've never truly enjoyed a Panera experience I'm fine with saying goodbye for good.

Things That Make You Go Hmmmmm

How is it possible that in the grocery store earlier today I got shocked by the following items:

butter lettuce
a sweet potato
a pomegranate

I never knew that fruits and vegetables had the ability to conduct electricity. Truly bizarre.

Can I Get My $5.46 back?

Ok, today being Hullabaloo deadline day let's check how many reply cards I received in the mail. I was low balling the figure yesterday at two.
The answer is zero. Yes, a big fat zero. I will check again tomorrow and take into account the time/distance ratio for mailing something from point A all the way across the country to point B. However, on Friday I will be calling the restaurant and giving the final count. I'm hoping these 14 people who are still holding onto their reply cards are able to peel the perfectly good stamp off the envelope and use it for something else.
Here's the thing. I won't forget these people. I will be happy to play along too. I love games. Hey, if your kid graduates from college and you send me an invitation expecting a gift, I will shred it. If you are throwing a surprise birthday party for your wife and you want me to come and bring a gift, there will be no RSVP because I'm going to shred it too. What you had another baby? I will pretend I never received the announcement.
I, myself did not send out any invitations to people expecting a gift. (I will not speak for the invitations sent by my mother) If I sent you an invitation it is because I truly wanted you to be there. I never expect gifts and I'd much rather give than receive. However, if I traveled on a plane to attend your Hullabaloo, I believe you owe me the courtesy of....a timely response.

The Devil Will Wear Prada

Today I downgraded my choice in glasses. Orgreen is out, Prada is in. I won't be a Hellcat, but I will be a Devil since the devil wears Prada. I also didn't have the flaming gay man to assist me in the frame selection. I figure since I'm just wearing them for driving, it doesn't matter. Believe me, if I had to be full-time in glasses, I'd opt for Orgreen and save my pennies just to have them. I'm feeling alright with Prada. I will still bring them to the Hullabaloo for honest opinions. If they aren't great, I can probably get a different pair in January.

In other news, can someone please explain to me why it is so hard to send back a reply card which comes to you self-addressed and stamped? I expect it from some people, (like T.Hair since I'm also still awaiting my thank you card for not only spending $300 on a plane ticket to attend the wedding, but also for the actual gift) but not the others. I still have 12 that I haven't heard from. Tomorrow is supposed to be the deadline. Do I really expect to have all 12 cards in my mailbox tomorrow? No. I feel like I might get 2. Either you know you can attend or you know you cannot. It would be really great if I could know the answer.

Four Eyes

Did I mention that I need glasses? I finally got the dreaded eye exam over with during my trip to FL. After announcing to the technician that I'd much rather visit the gynecologist, the exam was underway. Things went just as expected and it was confimed that my distance vision is shot. I've known this for years. I deal with it by:
1) sticking to areas I know well so I don't have to read any signs
2) making a lot of u-turns if in unfamiliar territory

No big deal. I just can't read signs. It was brought to my attention that glasses for driving use only could make this a lot easier. The good news is that I'm at the very bottom of the 20/20 scale. The technician is a good friend's husband and I believe he did this as a favor.

Today husband and I went to look at frames. He's had his eyes on a new frame at a specialty frame shop in the mall. We've been in and out of that place four times now "just looking", but he really wants this certain high-end frame. Going with my theory of "you only live once," I say go for it. Well, it was then mentioned by the flaming gay salesman that you get a $50 discount if you buy 2. I was all about trying some on. This guy is fantastic. He picked out a spectacular, hip looking frame for me. I never wanted glasses before, but boy do I want these. They have a European flare. I would even be willing to model them at the hullabaloo if I could just have them. I'm sensing they are out of the question. When told the price, Husband became pale. He had to remove his sweater and go for a walk outside the store for a minute. I agree, they are pricey ($425 frame only) and I haven't shopped around. However, now I believe a fatal mistake has been made. Nothing else I try on in any other store will compare. Must have the Hellcat frame. (Don't you just love the name??)

We left the mall with nothing for either of us. Not a word has been spoken by him ever since. We're going on 2 hours now. Perhaps he has been rendered speechless? I'm going to put these on my Christmas list anyway and hope for the best.

if HE DID IT?

Nothing boils my blood more than stories about "the juice". This morning I learned the scary details of his upcoming book and Fox interview. They should have released this in time for Halloween. This guy is the definition of a sick fuck. Because only a sick fuck would/could write a book about how he would hack people up if he HAD done it. I think the families of his victims have every right to be up in arms over the revisiting of this story. Let it go OJ! Once again I must emphasize that you aren't fooling anyone, not even yourself. We all know you did it. What sucks is that like a train wreck or a car accident, I will watch it. When/if the library gets the book, I will read it. I don't want to do either, but I won't lie to myself. I've been following this story since it broke back in the day so why stop now? Curiosity will get the best of me. I ADMIT it.

Proof That Idiots Really Do Rule

The movie Borat.
I would really appreciate if someone could explain to me how this is the number 1 movie in the country. I was duped by the commercials. I was duped by the hilarious interviews. I was duped into paying $19 for 2 matinee tickets. Apparently the funniest parts of the movie are seen during the commercials....for free. This movie demonstrates utter stupidity. Husband and I were the only ones not laughing. Maybe something is wrong with us? Thanks to Borat I will now never hear the end of it. I can count on hearing about the $19 wasted on tickets to the stupidest movie ever, for the rest of my life.
Trust me. If you haven't seen it yet, wait for Netflix. Or better yet, wait for HBO.

Mystery Gift for the MysteryGirl

Today I received a wonderful hullabaloo gift. It is an Espresso maker which Husband was dying for. We are so happy to have it! However, I have no idea who this is from. I called up the company who shipped it to find out a name, but they refused to tell me. Whoever purchased this item did not choose to enclose a gift note in the package. Said company is going to contact the purchaser of the gift for me.
I think I might know who this is from. There is one clue. But it could just be a coincidence. I am a thank you note person. I never fail to send thank you notes. I would feel like an ungrateful person if I did not do this.

He's Back

Husband is back home after 7 long weeks in India. I'm so happy to have him back. He is tired. I let him take a nap earlier today against my better judgement. I thought he should stay up and get back in this time zone.

In other news, I just read that the Spears-KFED marriage is over. Go Figure.

Birthday Girl!

Happy Birthday ALLYGATOR! You're finally 33!
It's hard for me to believe that we've only met in person one time.
For as long as I've known C. & C., I feel like I've known you too!
I know this has already been a good year for you with the birth of that gorgeous baby
and now moving and getting a new, fantastic house. Hopefully things will only get better.
I'm sorry that you are unable to attend the hullabaloo, but I totally understand.
It would have been great to see you again though. You will be missed. (Next time, party at your house!)
Don't worry, we'll take pictures!

Have an excellent birthday!

WFT? The Conclusion

Am I living in bizarro land or what? Since when does Fed-ex deliver on a Saturday night, in the dark, in the pouring rain? There is something fishy about this story and it stinks to high hell.

I was watching tv earlier this evening when I heard a car or truck pull up and then someone was knocking on my door. I was skeptical about opening the door, as I was expecting nothing at 6:45 pm on a Saturday night. But I did. And there in full Fed-ex uniform was a driver holding a small black box. He launched into this story about how when he originally delivered the package he left it under my doormat. (If so, who signed for it??) But he noticed I probably wasn't home (due to an accumulation of pizza coupons & Chinese food menus stuffed into and around the door and hanging from the door knob...funny, I never get these things when I'm home). He "knew" whatever was in the box was worth a lot of money (I'm unclear as to how he knew this since it was in a plain black box), but he left the package anyway and left. The next day he was worried about it so he decided to come back and check if it was still here and it was, so he decided to take it back to be safe. Then he went on vacation for 9 days. Again he mentioned that he knew the package was very valuable and didn't want anything to happen to it. I have no idea what the true story is but I'm very suspicious. It doesn't take my degree in Criminology to know this. Common sense tells me this guy is walking through spiderwebs.

I'm glad to have this package, whatever the story is. It saves me time having to actually go to the bank and blame someone there. However, I'm not changing my mind about never, ever using Fed-ex for a damn thing.

"Are you sitting down?"

I received a call from a long time friend of mine earlier this evening. She did not sound good at all and began our conversation with that question. Her husband of almost 10 years was just diagnosed with stage 4 lung cancer. Just like Dana Reeve, he has never smoked a cigarette in his life. It has spread everywhere in his body except for his brain. He has started chemo because one doctor told him it's all about hope. But he was given about 8 months to live. His name is Ben and if you could say a prayer for him and their family, I'd appreciate it. He's only 38 years old. There are 4 children ranging in age from 5-18.

I met this friend when I was about 20 years old. She was married to an asshole. I was their babysitter. They had 2 children. They took me on a trip to a Europe and it was there that I learned how awful the marriage was. There was a messy divorce. He spent time in federal prison for hiring a hitman to kill her. She pulled her life together and moved to a different city with the children. She eventually married Ben, who was her neighbor. He became a real father to her children. They have 2 children together, one of whom is autistic. Ben is the rock in the family. He is the best thing to ever happen to my friend. I can't even imagine what this must be like for her.

WTF?

Ok. So back in August Husband saw a bank promotion ad in the newspaper. If you opened an account you got a free i-pod. He was very interested in this and wanted to have the free i-pod to give to his sister in India. He talked me into opening the account in my name, funded by him. No big deal, right? Well it sure is turning into one. Since August we've been waiting for this stupid i-pod to come in the mail. Since I was traveling for the past month, I forgot all about it. Today I remembered it and called the bank to find out what was the story?

The story is very unsettling. The package was shipped via Fed-Ex. I was given the Fed-Ex tracking number which tells me the package was delivered and signed for on October 18 at 10:02am. Curious. I was definitely in Florida on that day and time, so how in the hell could I have signed for it? I got right on the horn to Fed-Ex only to be told that a neighbor probably signed for it. I informed the "nice" man at Fed-Ex that I don't even know any of my neighbors. Not only that, I don't even know anyone in this state. So who was it given to? He found this very hard to believe for some reason. Supposedly the driver will figure out where he delivered it and let me know....right. The most unsettling thing is that I was told the driver will go to a neighbor's house if there are cars in the driveway and deliver it there. I was also informed that whoever shipped the package paid extra for this "feature". This is where WTF comes in. I'd say that is assuming an awful lot...like that you actually know your neighbors. I for one, choose not to know my neighbors. I like to be ANONYMOUS...remember???? I was sure to inform that "nice" man that this is completely unacceptable and I will never, ever ship anything Fed-Ex ever again or choose to have my packages shipped to me by Fed-Ex given the choice.

I know we will never see that i-pod, except attached to one of these unknown neighbors.
I'm feeling very wronged and like I need to get out of this state full of mean people ASAP!

Back (In Black)

I've finally returned from all my trips and to the blog world.
The last few weeks in FL were fun. It was almost like I lived there. I spent most of the time with my friend and her 18 month old daughter. She is very beasty in a Jekyl & Hyde kind of way. Also very smart. She knows exactly what you say to her. She hasn't learned how to say "no" yet. Instead she stamps her feet and screams when you say something she doesn't like. This happens hundreds of times a day. When she is tired she gets mean. I received the following injuries: pulled hair, pinched & scratched left cheek and pinched left arm with broken skin. I'm still deciding if she likes me or not.

There was also fun with the fam.
I survived the longest period of time with my parents since I lived with them about 9 years ago. I wasn't even driven crazy and forced to run for the hills. The big excitement was the near death of the remaining rottweiler. She contracted a bad illness which involved bloody diarrhea and vomiting. After an overnight stay with an emergency vet, antibiotics and $600 later she is alive and kicking.

I got to ride in my dad's new car. I realized when I saw it what it really was. It is a replacement for the rottweiler that died over the summer. Since he is forbidden from getting more dogs, he had no choice but to buy a car. Not only that but he has pimped his new ride in a big way. He had the windows tinted so dark I think it is barely legal. He installed window covers on all the doors so you can crack the windows in the heat but still keep the rain out. The radar detector is mounted on the dash. Everytime the car starts you get to experience the radar detector check itself. A female voice says:
X band beep
K band beeeep
KA band beeeeeeep
I keep hearing this, even in my sleep. I don't understand why he needs this radar detector in the first place. Everywhere we went I noticed he set the cruise control for the exact speed limit. Not a mile over.
Then my mother & I went and got him a Satellite radio for his birthday. I'm not sure what other toys he could get for his ride.

Perhaps I mentioned this before, but my dad makes his own bullets. He has a "reloading" room right in his house. Since downgrading to a 2 bedroom home last year, the "reloading" room and the guest room are the same. Equipment on one side. Bed on the other. After a few days in this room I noticed something weird about the walls and ceiling. I decided to ask my mother about it.

ME: What happened to the walls & ceiling in that room?
JB: Oh, you mean the small holes and black marks?
ME: Yes. I don't remember that all being there last time I was here.
JB: Well, about 3 weeks ago I was at work and got a call from your father. He said, "I had an accident". I asked him if the house was still standing. He said yes but that he was bleeding from the forehead and both hands.
ME: Huh??!
JB: He used old gunpowder even though he "knew better" and there was a small explosion. Metal pieces were everywhere. In fact, I'm still vacuuming them up. Set off the smoke alarms in the whole house. He's just very lucky it wasn't worse.
ME: OMG! If there is any "reloading" to be done while I'm here, I'm going out.
JB: Oh don't worry, he got rid of all the old powder and that won't happen again.
ME: I am still leaving.

Funny...he never mentioned this story to me at all. I don't dare tell my grandmother what her son did.

I also discovered that my dad might have a mild form of that syndrome that makes you repeat phrases that get stuck in your head. I'm purposely not naming it here because I don't want random searches ending up here. He will be talking to someone and say something that gets stuck in his head. This phrase is then repeated under his breath for about the next 20-30 minutes. Here is an example: He was talking to a friend on the phone about guns. He said to the friend, "No, don't get that, it's a piece of shit". Shortly after, he hung up the phone. We then got in the car to go to an amusement park. Every few minutes or so I'd hear, "It's a piece of shit" under his breath. I lost count as to how many times it was repeated. Then I realized he's always muttering something under his breath. I never really paid attention to what was being said, but he must doing this all the time.

"Fun" times also happened at my brother's house.
My mother decided that we would have a birthday party for my dad over at his place. She told him she'd bring everything. And she did, right down to the paper plates, napkins and plastic utensils. She asked my brother what would he do for the party? He volunteered to get an ice cream cake. In typical "my brother" fashion we get there with the entire meal and he has "forgotten" to get the cake. WTF? You volunteer to do just one thing and you fail miserably?? No one was truly surprised. We've all come to expect this from him. I felt bad for my dad though. We were also subjected to blasting "rave" music the entire time courtesy of his pseudo-wife. This is her career. Her "childhood dream" was to become a DJ and now she is. Although I wonder how long will this go on? She is already 36 or 37 years old. Lucky those of you who will have the pleasure of meeting that piece of work at the hullabaloo.

She'll be the one with the magenta colored hair.